Smile Less, Feel More
Everyone seems to love a good smile, and it tends to be one of the most common expressions during a social interaction. Rightfully so - a smile can covey warmth, optimism, and confidence, which can all be incredibly beneficial in many situations. And when it’s authentic, it comes from a place of joy, which, really, is what makes it so beautiful.
Anyone who knows me (maybe excluding family 😅) probably knows me as a smiley person. A very smiley person.
I love my smile. I love the way my smile is received, and I know without a doubt that putting a smile on can change my mood. But there is a thing as being too smiley.
A few years ago I realized that for me, smiling like I do really isn’t a good thing. Not that it’s bad, perse, but it’s definitely prevented me from feeling myself, expressing myself, and in turn, reaching my highest potential. Instead of letting my lips turn up due to a feeling of happiness, I was blatantly out of touch with my emotions and would use a smile as a mask, never really smiling because of a feeling of joy but smiling because it was socially acceptable. I found that it made me more likeable because people generally feel more comfortable around a person who smiles (obviously not everyone – some people find it wildly annoying). And, it was easier than acknowledging what was actually going on inside me, partially because people don't ask as many questions to a smiling face.
People would often relate being smiley with being happy, which for me wasn't true. That's most obvious when I'm sharing something that's sad - the sadder the story, the bigger my smile. Seems pretty backwards.
It’s not something I do consciously. In fact, I would always tell myself that when I moved to or visited a new place, I would stop setting the expectation of being smiley. But it never worked. And once people know you as a smiley person, any deviation is an invitation for comments about how tired I look (surprisingly super common - I guess it sounds better than ‘you look sad?’) and questions about what could be the matter (because not smiling means something is wrong?). I was placing myself in a cycle that reinforced what I had learned about what it means to be friendly, welcoming, likeable. As if my actual emotions and experiences weren’t worthy of exploring or expressing. As if my only purpose was to create an environment where others felt at ease.
Some might call this a classic case of people-pleasing.
Then, something happened. Something great.
In December I spent three weeks with a beautiful, powerful group of women and something clicked for me. It was the first time I felt like another person acknowledged that, for me, smiling isn't all that good. It was the first time I actually felt like there was space for something else. Any time I would try to discuss it in the past, my words were invalidated – I would be met with comments like ‘but you have such a beautiful smile’, or something in line with how I am a positive person so of course I smile and since smiling is positive it can’t be bad. Hello, toxic positivity, amirite?! Sure, they were well-intended, but intent and impact are vastly different (new blog on that coming up!).
Those three weeks were transformative for me in so many ways, and many of the effects of that time didn’t reveal themselves until months later. Since then, I've been better able to connect with myself, allowing myself to feel emotions - actual emotions - that I honestly didn't think I had in me. I don't feel the need to see the good in everything or to use a smile as a way to cope. I've found words and concepts that have helped me express and understand myself in a way I didn't know was possible for me. I felt heard and seen in many ways for the first time. Like, the first time ever. Without even realising it!
It's still a work in progress. I have a long way to go. There is a lifetime of patterns to unpack, constructs to unlearn. But I'm getting there, and it's beautiful.
Sure I'm still a smiley person. But that smile is becoming more authentic. I’m letting the people close to me see the side that’s hidden under the mask. Slowly, I’m taking it off fully to face the world with a vulnerability I used to fear. So, if the next time you see me I'm not showing teeth, don't be put off. When I choose to express my joy, you’ll know it.
